DEEP SLEEP... Suddenly I wake up..... I feel breathless... I feel someone is pushing me into ground... I can feel my heart beat... I shiver..... Gasp....gasp... gasp... look around... mind doesn't let me think... What's happening to me? What to do? What to do? Am I getting a heart attack? Do I have some problem in my lungs? Then what is this? Should I run to casualty during this mid night? Am I going to die?
Afternoon.... Kids slept. I completed my work. Laid down on sofa watching TV. Slowly eyes closed because of tiredness. Was taking a nap. Suddenly I wake up..... I feel breathless... I feel someone is pushing me into ground... I can feel my heart beat... I shiver..... Gasp....gasp... gasp...
Why am I like this? What if I die? Who will take care of my children? How will they grow up without me?
This is an anxiety/panic attack. Yes, its no doubt an anxiety attack.
"An idle man's brain is a devil's workshop". The anxiety attack is just the replica of the above famous saying. Panic or anxiety attacks hits you when your mind is not involved in any work. It doesn't mean all the people who are not doing any work at a moment have anxiety attacks. People who has already suppressed their mind by not identifying the fears will surely have it.
I ignored the signals and gave chance for my fears to grow into anxiety attacks. Initially I thought it's because of sickness. Later, after all checkups I understood that physically am fine. My fears grew along with me... Everyday only a single thought in my mind. Will I get anxiety attack today also? What to do if I get it? I am disturbing all my family members. What will they think of me?
No one could save me on this earth. No one!! What to do? What to do? It's then.....
I approached Ms.Vandana Vijayan. We both were not in same place. So, the session started through mobile phone. Initially she extracted the series of events that took place in my life, which resulted in insecurity, lack of confidence etc etc. She then addressed all my problems slowly and steadily.
Vandana, made me realize what are my strengths. She brought out one by one slowly. Whenever we approach someone for help, first thing you need to have is "TRUST". Being a psychologist she gave me few tips to handle my anxiety attacks. She instructed me in prior what to do. Me, without any second thought whether it would work or not, I used to follow her instructions. When you completely trust.... a drop of water given to you saying as a "Miracle Medicine" would cure the disease.
She used to give me daily tasks and keep me occupied. It might be a silly task, but by end of the day after I completed it... I used to have a proud feeling... "Yes, I can do anything assigned to me."
Then... addressing my anxiety attacks. She explained me about it. Let me put it in my own words "An anxiety attack is like a headache. It comes and it goes. Do not give priority to it. Just divert your mind."
When I was having attack she suggested me to -
* Sip some cold water
* Write down what am I feeling at that moment
* Wash my face with cold water
* Go outside the gate of my house and have a walk. Observe any 5 things around me. Write about it.
The last one really helped me. It gave me time to observe nature. Small birds. Stray dogs. Blooming flowers. Insects buzzing around me. Cool breeze. Saplings. Flowers turning into fruits. I never thought "What is this? Vandana asks me to go on road and walk here and there. How will this help me?" At times, when I went out of the gate, some neighbor used to greet me and they used to initiate the conversation. This also diverted my mind.
Vandana gave me the mindset of taking up things easy. "It's Okay" if something doesn't meet my expectation. Everyone need not live life as per my expectation. Also, I should not live life as per others expectations. She made me understand and taught me the art of saying "NO" if I don't like something. Saying NO was my biggest problem which created a mess in my life.
My Sister, my husband and Vandana motivated me a lot to restart my career. They encouraged me to join a course which I thought would be impossible for me. I was skeptical. What if I faint again during my class? Who will take care of me? How to go alone? I used to carry something to munch thinking that I would faint if I don't eat properly. I used to carry Glucose, water bottle. Later, as days passed on I understood these are my fears. Let me confront my fear and resolve it. So, I stopped carrying too many things with me. Only one small toffee and small water bottle. I realised. I would be fine even without munching something.
I started to be independent again. Cleared the course in distinction. A good job in one of the top most reputed educational institution. Brought back my life on track.
It took 6 to 8 months for me to bounce back to my original character. Approaching Vandana was solely my decision. I never asked anyone "can I go o should I go?" No one will understand the pain I underwent. It might look silly to others. But to me, it was the biggest problem I ever faced in my life. Always, have confidence in the doctor you approached. Probably, my blind trust in following Vandana's silliest to toughest tasks, has brought me out of my anxiety. Do not judge the psychologist. Because they have proven research that these tips would help a person in anxiety.
My fears has taught me to start a disciplined life. Balancing my professional and personal life. Giving importance to my feelings. Always set up a goal which will make you relaize learning is a continuous process.
If I was hesitant... If I never want to agree it was an anxiety attack.... If I always console myself with the support of my family members showing sympathy on me... If I haven't followed Vandana's tips... Imagine.
Now and then, I am seeing people around me suffering with anxiety, depression. But they don't seek help and they suppress their mind instead of controlling.
Love yourself the most. It's not being selfish. It's taking care of yourself.
